thebibliosphere:

seiya234:

thebibliosphere:

disasterscenario:

Vimes: Family Edition

…plus Vetinari because the idea that he and babby Sam are bros is deeply ingrained within my psyche and no one will pry it loose.

I like the idea that babby Sam is like the only person on the disc who is completely fearless when it comes to Vetinari— because Vetinari is the fucking cool uncle who gives him the best books and teaches him how to get away with the best tricks

You can just imagine though, one night when Vimes is out on patrol, a black carriage, the kind of black night aspires to be, pulls up outside the Ramkin manor and a tall, lean figure steps out. As he passes by the donation box on the front gate for the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons the sound of coins trickle down, he never carries money, but Drumknott has made sure he has a few dollars on him for this very purpose.

After Wilikins opens the door there’s a slight pause as the butler tries to figure out who rung the bell and who on earth blew out the gas lamp…and then Vetinari moves ever so slightly and Wilikins draws in breath, the equivalent of a startled shudder in other people, and releases the poker he’s been holding just out of view, and lets it slide back into the umbrella stand with a muffled thud. You can never be too  careful after all…

Sybil is as Sybil always is, warm and welcoming, even at this late hour. He regrets somewhat that he didn’t send word that he’d be coming. There can be several things a knock on the door means late at night, and the majority of them are never good. He felt guilt at the sight of her sitting in the drawing room, brown shawl draped over her nightgown, fluffly slippers planted firmly on the ground—Empresses would weep to know that for all their fine vestments they’d never look so regal or commanding as Sybil Ramkin Vimes does an hour before midnight. He smiles, a rare and true smile when he sees some of the hardness in her face ease, relief flooding in, though anyone who didn’t know her would struggle to see it. He’ll send a man running in the morning with an envelope for the donation box out front. In the meantime, he is not a Watchman with a helmet under his arm, all is right with the world. 

They sit and talk for a while, tea is drunk. Eventually, when they run out of platitudes and niceties, Sybil, with a tact her husband lacks entirely, remarks that it was very kind of him to visit her when Sam is out late, but before he goes, would he like to see young Sam?

Leaning on his cane, Vetinari stands, agreeing with the politeness of a man who finds himself put upon by a new mother, to admire her off-spring. Sybil merely smiles and leads him through the ancient house, past coats of arms and paintings that make his own palace look like a young pretender to old money.

The nursery is dark and warm, with a single candle burning near the window, the fire in the hearth is banked but still warm. A mobile hangs over the cradle, and dragons of varying size made from crystal twirl through the night, casting rainbows over the walls and floor, glowing umber in the low light. It was a gift, Sybil explains, as she shoos the yawning nurse from the room and leans over the cradle with a gentle smile that blazes more resplendent than any of the fractal illuminations in the room, from the Wizards. 

Vetinari peers over her shoulder at the snuffling resident of the cradle, and is greeted with the sight of a fat little man whose gaze is fixed entirely on the mobile. He imagines it’s a little late for a baby to be awake, but Sybil seems unconcerned. Part of him, the romantic little side that understands symbology and the way other people’s minds work, wonders if there is something in the Vimes blood that makes them practically nocturnal, and shine brightest at night.

Vaguely he is aware, as he leans further over, that Sybil is withdrawing, and that the door has closed behind him.

What does one say to a baby? Does one say anything? Vetinari reaches over with the hesitancy of a man whose youth was spent handling volatile chemicals and weaponry, and still fears that this might yet be the most precious and dangerous thing he’s ever touched. 

A tiny little hand envelopes his index finger.

Vetinari wiggles his hand, and young Sam grips on with his other sticky little fist, that until know was being thoughtfully chewed on, attention now fully on the tall dark man towering over him, squashed face furrowing into a frown.

“Oh dear,” Vetinari murmurs, smiling despite himself, “That was a very Vimes look.”

Sam Vimes junior kicks his legs in the air, strong, stomping little legs that will tread the cobbles his father has made safe. Or at least, safer. 

“Well,” he carries on, setting his cane against the side of the cradle and using his free hand to send the mobile spiralling a little bit faster, “one can never have too many of those.”

sorry not sorry for the ugly disgusting tears of squee running down my face

…I completely forgot I wrote this.

kyraneko:

gallusrostromegalus:

splinteredstar:

thebibliosphere:

gallusrostromegalus:

thebibliosphere:

thebibliosphere:

Sometimes when I’m sad I like to imagine what would happen in a crossover universe between Discworld and Harry Potter, and what Granny Weatherwax would make of their style of magic.

But then I think about more important things, like what would have happened if Granny Weatherwax ever met Albus Dumbledore, and I can’t help but feel a whole lot of shit could have been avoided if he’d had a good clip round the ear and a strong talking to about the whole “my hands are tied” bullshit that enabled years of abuse and suffering at the hands of adults in a position of authority over young, vulnerable people.

Like oh, this spell requires the bond of blood to keep him safe, all right. So that just means we’re not going to hold these adults accountable for their torment and abuse? I think the entire fuck not, Albus.

Snape is a double agent who is actually working for the greater good. All right, but that doesn’t stop him from being an absolute fucking shit weasel who shouldn’t be around children until he learns to control himself and works out his issues in a safe and sane manner, what the fuck, Albus.

You have an entire school system that ascribes to ideas of inherent morality when in fact this is a thing that needs to be taught? Well no wonder there’s one house in particular that keeps going off the rails, you keep telling them they’re evil. Tell people something for long enough they’ll start to believe you. There’s nothing wrong with being selfish and cunning, sometimes that’s what it takes to survive. Teach them how to use those traits for good. As strength. My land, my home, my people (not my daughter, you bitch) how dare you try to hurt them. Teach them, Albus, you have to bloody teach them and realize that evil isn’t born. It’s made. In a thousand small deplorable ways. And it starts with treating people like things and I cannot be having with this.

Of course there’s also the other flipside to this thought process, which is imagining Gytha “Nanny” Ogg shouting “watcher Molly” as she thumps Bellatrix Lestrange on the back of the head with a cauldron, and drops her like a fucking stone. Later they’ll sit together and grieve, later there will be time to pick up the pieces and mourn. But for now there are things to fight for, people to keep alive. And people to keep from doing what they shouldn’t ever have to do, so you find a way to do it for them, by hook, crook or blunt force trauma.

And because my head wont let go of this thought:

“You always was a right little miss,” she said, taking a puff from her pipe and resettling her weight with a hefty bounce as the younger witch struggled to get out from under Nanny’s considerable girth. “Giving yourself airs and graces and such. Pretending you was too good to scrub a pot. Well, let me tell you something, Mistress Lestrange, you ain’t fit for nothing no more except maybe a noose. And if I had my way that might be the end of it. But we don’t do things like that no more, we don’t rule by blood.”

“Then you’re weak,” Lestrange shot back, still struggling to claw her way free. “A weak, old woman with nothing left but tricks up your fat sleeve.”

Nanny puffed in silence for a few more moments, then reached up her sleeve. “And your wand, dearie. Walnut is it? With a dragon heartstring core? Very nice, painting it black was a bit much, but you always were fond of your dramatics.”

She pulled out her own wand, holding it out under Bellatrix’s nose, whose face went cross eyed and then wide with panic.

“You know, I’ve only ever heard of Priori Incantatem,” she said, puffing on the end of her pipe until the pit glowed cherry red then white hot and she exhaled smoke like a dragon, “but I wasn’t about to risk it, not in front of all those kiddies. But I reckon now might be a good time…”

Also, for your consideration. Feegles.

“Haul yoo, aye yoo, the great big ugly gangly scunner wi-oot a nose. Can ye sew? Well stitch this.”

Harry watched in consternation as Voldemort staggered back, dropped to the ground like a ton of bricks and lay still.

“That’s it?” he demanded, lowering his wand. “That’s all you had to do?”

Rob
Anybody, perched on his shoulder, looked up at the young wizard out the
corner of the eye, which was to say he looked him in the nostrils.

“Weell,”
he said, gesturing towards the chaos that had been unleashed as the
full force of the Nac Mac Feegle was unleashed upon the band of Death
Eaters, primarily by running up the inside of their trousers. “That’s
the thing about the lads. Once they’ve decided tae dae something, they
dae it good and hard.”

“But you just headbutted him!”

“Aye, weill,” Rob said, feeling as though the lad wasn’t quite grasping the practicality of the situation, “he might be a bloody great dark bigjob wizard, but he cannae cast a spell wi-oot a heid.”

Ok but the one I want to see is Dolores Umbridge vs Munstrum Ridcully, becuase that would be the Petty Academic Slapfight of doom. 

Because Ridcully, for all his faults, probably understands that the actual learning of magic relies on a certain degree of both freedom and madness and sometimes explosions. 

And Umbridge would crawl right up his skin with her concept of a “Defense Against The Dark Arts” Course, and in the middle of a lecture on recent runes, would go on a “tangent” on the history of various dark wizards and the means by which they were defeated and here Why Don’t We Have A Practical Outside, The Weather Is Nice (The weather is not nice. It’s Scotland. In Late November.)  But everyone is really curious to see the old man actually take his wand out for once, only to discover that that’s not a wand at all, that’s a Burleigh & Stronginthearm and they’re all going to pass it around and whoever shoots the weathervane off the top of Ravenclaw tower gets 50 points. Hannah Abbot puts a bolt through Umbridge’s window, taking out a kitten plate and gets 100 points.

Fred and George turn the third floor corridor into a Swamp and Umbridge is pleased to hear Ridcully bellowing at the Weasley boys about “BLOODY INSONSIDERATE, NEVER HAVE I EVER MET SUCH WRETCHEDLY-” but the second she’s around the corner it changes to “-brilliant young men, how much is this setup you have here? That potions-master could do with some aggravated moisturizing. Speaking of moisturizing, what would it take to get you two gentlemen to work on the faculty baths? Disgustingly substandard, nowhere to put your nail trimmings-”

Ridcully would like the students there too, I think.  Especially the Slytherins, because he’s perfectly aware how important being a cunning bastard and willing to get your hands dirty or bloody if needed is, especially in the world of Magical Academia.  They’re socially intelligent and disenchanted with the system, not Evil, Albus. The Malfoy boy would be a lot less trouble if he had something to do besides practicing subject’s he’s bored with.  Fratricide, perhaps. I’m kidding Albus! (he’s only sort of kidding.  Maybe not murder. Just turn him into a toad and keep him as a familair in a bowl on the mantlepiece.)

He’d be so mad about the Chamber of secrets though. Potter! A Basilisk!  Why didn’t you bring the head back up it’d be magnificent hanging over the great hall.
Oh I see.
Well why didn’t you go BACK?  Perfectly good potion ingredients going to waste, doesn’t that brooding mop of a potions master teach you anything about looti- er, collecting spell components?

I forgot I wrote this haha, and I’m glad @gallusrostromegalus made it better.

Okay but feagles and house elves tho

Obeyin’ the hag is one thing, but any hag that’d that inna worth the title

(Dobby takes it up first, under his breath: “no lords and no masters”)

Havelock Vetenari is not a man to “Go Spare”, and certainly not without good cause but that shambling mountain of paperwork and prejudice they call “The Ministry Of Magic” is several thousand good reasons. He doesn’t even WANT to take over this disaster but he can’t rest so long as it continues to exist.

But. He’s better than that. Why waste time in pointless rage when there are things he can actually do to fix this?

“Mr. Lipvig.” He says, conversationally. “Did you know that the currency conversion rates haven’t changed since Gringotts was founded? Seventeen silver sickles to a gold galleon since the 1100’s”

He doesn’t really need to say anything else. Moist blinks a few times, then gradually begins to vibrate as every instinct he possess is called to the forefront.

“They’re just down the street if you wanted to see their facilities-”

Moist’s chair actually spins with the force of his rapid departure.“

Death, tho. Death and Voldemort. Death and Albus. Death and Minerva having a chess match over somebody’s life.

Voldemort telling Harry, in the graveyard at their duel, “Bow to Death, Harry,” and Harry looking around and responding, “Where it he?” (Or maybe he’s actually there, and Voldemort is treated to the sight of Harry turning and bowing off to three o’clock.

Molly Weasley giving Nanny Ogg such a scolding over her treatment of her daughters-in-law and implying she doesn’t deserve grandchildren if she treats their mothers like that. Nanny sulks hard enough to set things on fire for several days and then discreetly goes around asking her sons the names of the women they married. It’s clipped and resentful at first but she grows into it.

Vetinari looking over the magical system of government with the occasional raised eyebrow or bewildered blink, and deciding that this looks like an excellent challenge. “Minister Fudge, I think you should resign.” “Why, you—” *raised eyebrow* “that is—” *curious look* “I mean—” *silence* “What—” *tilted head* “I, yes, sir, I believe that to be the best course of action, thank you for the advice.” “Capital.”

Umbridge isn’t so easily gotten rid of, and Vetinari spends perhaps three minutes listening to her ideas of law and order, rules and punishment, virtue and government, and then “Madam, if you are not interested in assisting me in helping this government achieve my goals, by all means, depart through that door and you will never hear from me again.”

Umbridge has no genre-savviness whatsoever, and goes through the door without looking first. There is a whooshing sound, and a scream, and several unpleasant, wet-sounding noises from somewhere down a few floors.

THAT WAS UNPLEASANT

“I thought it fitting.”

SHE LIKED CATS

“Only the painted kind, in fact. I’m told she views the real thing as inconvenient and messy.”

… I RETRACT MY PREVIOUS CRITICISM

“Very good.”

mickmercury:

an incomplete list of iconique Sam Vimes Moments™:

  • arresting a dragon
  • running through the streets of ankh-morpork naked
  • running through the woods of uberwald naked and fighting off werewolves with his bare fucking hands
  • telling the ancient personification of darkness and vengeance to fuck off
  • “Well, Reg, tomorrow the sun will come up again, and I’m pretty sure that whatever happens we won’t have found Freedom, and there won’t be a whole lot of Justice, and I’m damn sure we won’t have found Truth. But it’s just possible that I might get a hard-boiled egg.”

  • arresting an entire war
  • the ginger beer trick
  • reluctantly acquiring yet more titles, being embarassed
  • responds to being told the watch can’t interfere with the aforementioned war by handing in his badge and raising a militia
  • just no fucking clue how boats work
  • That! Is!! Not!!! My!!!! Cow!!!!!
  • giving up all hope of returning to a future with his wife and child to stay in the past and fight in a revolution he knows he can’t win because failing to try to help people is utterly antithetical to the fundamental state of being Sam Vimes
  • “when the shouting started she knew Sam was alive and well, because only Sam made people that angry”
  • if anyone’s setting fire to this city it’s going to be me (ankh-morpork has burned down at least twice already at this point)
  • arresting fucking Havelock Vetinari
  • “I’ll teach him to walk! I’m good at teaching people to walk!”

  • getting annoyed at the idea that the assassins are no longer willing to accept any amount of money to kill him
  • defusing a riot with a cigar and a mug of cocoa
  • throwing fucking Havelock Vetinari over his shoulder
  • all of the international incidents because he’s fundamentally incapable of not being salty to The Man
  • despite being The Man
  • telling Vetinari to shut up
  • Vetinari shutting up when Vimes told him to
  • stopping all of ankh-morpork’s traffic because reading to his son before bed is infinitely more important
  • getting obscenely rich, hating all of it except the bubble baths
  • “Who are you, pray?” “The law, you sons of bitches!”
  • “How dare you? How dare you! At this time! In this place! They did the job they didn’t have to do, and they died doing it, and you can’t give them anything. Do you understand?”

  • arresting himself
  • every single fucking noir and western and cop movie one-liner
  • having so many near-death experiences that Death calls them “near-Vimes experiences” and brings a book along
  • fistfight on a ship being hit by a river tidal wave in the middle of a storm
  • a watchman is a civilian you inbred streak of piss
  • gleefully pointing out to the assassins that he does in fact technically own the place
  • ordering rebels to take down their barricades and rebuild them properly

ithums:

“[There] are people who will follow any dragon, worship any god, ignore any iniquity. All out of a kind of humdrum, everyday badness. Not the really high, creative loathesomeness of the great sinners, but a sort of mass-produced darkness of the soul. Sin, you might say, without a trace of originality. They accept evil not because they say yes, but because they don’t say no.”

Lord Vetinari, (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Get up. Go vote. Say no.

(via sirblackaxe)

marypsue:

Night Watch is one of Sir Terry’s most hopeless novels – and, by the same token, because of the same things, one of his most hopeful.

It’s a parody – and I use that word very loosely, because there’s really nothing funny about it – of Les Miserables. It’s about a failed revolution, and a barricade, and the people who fought and died there for nothing. Nothing changes. Politics with a capital P goes on, and even the most pure and noble of intentions only becomes food for the pit of snakes who pull the strings. The powerful remain powerful, the powerless, despite their solidarity, their desperation, their violence, their hope, remain powerless. Their little lives don’t count at all. Things continue exactly as they always have, minus a few faces in the crowd.

It is also, I think, where we see Sam Vimes at his lowest. Sure, Thud! does similar things in stripping him down, but that is under an outside influence, and he has his family to think of. He has something to fight for.

In Night Watch, though, all of that is taken away. Sam Vimes, eternal cynic, for once has Cassandraic knowledge that his cynicism is absolutely founded. He knows how this will end, and there’s no Corporal Carrot to make the world magically better around him, no Sybil and Young Sam to push through for, no city to protect. The absolute best that he can expect is to succeed, and lose that family, that future, forever. The absolute worst? He dies. Everyone he cares about here dies. And it’s all in vain.

Sam Vimes is an alcoholic. It’s something that we tend to bring up when we’re talking about how amazing he is, how much he’s overcome, but gloss over otherwise. Which is a little sad, because it’s fundamental.

Sam Vimes faced this exact dragon, years ago. Sam Vimes saw there was no way to slay it. He saw the ants eating at the heart of every hope, every effort. He saw the first man he really knew as a good and kind and just – but never passive, never weak – man die, horribly, slain for no reason but petty grudge and Politics. He saw John Keel’s garden wither and die in its bed. He saw the hope of a better, brighter Ankh-Morpork squelched, and the sacrifice of a good man wasted. He saw the world, in all of its rotting, miserable, pestilent despair, spoiling every good thing that dared show its face, its only ordering principle the slow decay of entropy.

Young Sam Vimes had no anchor. Young Sam Vimes had nothing left to turn to but the bottom of a bottle and the smelliest part of an Ankh-Morpork gutter.

Sam Vimes, as of the events of Night Watch, is back there. Not only physically temporally displaced. He has nothing. There is no reason for him to stand up, to take on the role of John Keel, to take responsibility for the barricade, to try to bring Carcer back to justice. To fight the doomed fight. There is nothing between him and finding a quiet seat at the Broken Drum, ordering himself a pint, and giving up. There is nothing between him and despair.

But he gets up anyway. He intervenes anyway. He tries to help anyway, even when he can’t believe it will make any difference. And it doesn’t, in the end.

Except that people lived who, save for the actions of John Keel, would have died. Except it quite literally meant the world to them.

And that’s where the hope is hiding, in this hopeless, bleak, despair of a book. There is no glory. There is no revolution. There is no good thing that cannot be corrupted. There is no point. Except.

The Disc turns on the ‘except’. Always has. Always will.

For prompts: So I’m interested to hear about the courtship of female Sam Vimes and Lady Ramkin because obviously that’s something everyone needs in their lives. (or just the life of a female Sam in general)

notbecauseofvictories:

inspired by x

Those nights when she makes it home at something approaching a decent hour, Sam will lie in bed with Sybil’s head on her stomach. Sybil keeps her hair very short and fine beneath her wigs, and Sam likes the feel of it, tracing every dip and line of Sybil’s skull, from the soft rolls of her neck to the slope of her temples, the sharp curve of her widow’s peak. Her fingertips could map out Ankh-Morpork on Sybil’s skin, though sometimes she got distracted and forgot where Scooner’s Lane ended and the faint divot beneath Sybil’s ear began.

Sometimes Sybil will talk, or read aloud, and Sam thinks—there’s the Chase, there is always the Chase, but this might the only thing she’s ever known where there’s joy in the having.

What are you thinking about? Sybil asks sometimes, and Sam says, Nothing, nothing. Tell me more, I was listening. I like listening to you.

.

There was an Understanding.

The Understanding was: Her Grace, Lady Sybil Deidre Olgivanna Ramkin, had, on the twelfth of May, married Captain Samantha Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork Watch. It was a very lovely ceremony. There had been cake.

Questions on the matter, such as “is there legal precedent for this”, “where exactly are the records for—” and “how does a noble title pass to a duchess’ wife” could be respectfully addressed to the Patrician.

It was amazing how quickly people Understood, when Vetinari was suggested as the alternate means of education.

Keep reading

jumpingjacktrash:

roachpatrol:

huinsutt99:

notbecauseofvictories:

Listen, I hear what you’re saying, but Young Sam being the deadly combo of his mother’s powerful Ladies Who Organize tendencies, and his father’s stubborn anti-authority pragmatism makes him an ideal community organizer. He’s cheerful and unflagging and drinks coffee at a rate that would impress even Maladict; he has a dartsboard in his office with an iconograph of Lord Downey II pinned to it, and when asked his response is invariably a chilly, “he knows what he did.” 

When you look deeply in his eyes you can see the abyss looking back. 

(It wants to know if you’ve signed that petition yet.)

#discworld#………look mostly I want a discworld novel about young vimes grappling with his own kind of guarding dark#a guarding dark that protects against a more slippery kind of dark; a waiting dark#cool and patient and careless; as in it doesn’t care about the blood or the death or the cost—it only seeks to further its own darkness#the kind of darkness that lingers in locked bank vaults and unsafe mines and private clubs; places where the darkness is a feature#rather than something to be guarded against#yes exactly I want sam vimes the second Kicks Off The Labor Movement#the Vimes Boots Theory of Wealth Inequality deserves nothing less#also I couldn’t figure out how to turn it into a joke#but the reason you can’t call it “grassroots” politics is because there isn’t any grass in ankh-morpork#“cobblestone level” politics is the closest they get  @notbecauseofvictories

cobblestone politics: you pick one up and throw it at the rich bastards keeping you down. then you pick up another one.

sam senior could find his way in the fog by the feel of the cobbles under his boots. sam junior is also an expert on cobbles; he’s just a bit more proactive about it.

(i would read the living hell out of a book about young sam the labor organizer, and the discworld equivalent of pinkertons trying to break a strike by trolls and dwarves. my god it would be magnificent.)