Consider this (based on a conversation I had with some friends a while ago): Pride and Prejudice and Zombies for people who actually like Pride and Prejudice.
Look–I tried to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and I got about 20 pages in before I came to the conclusion that the person who wrote it did so out of the belief that the original Pride and Prejudice was stuffy and boring. There were out of character vulgar puns. And the trailer for the movie did not convince me that I had missed anything by cutting short my reading experience.
So, what I’m talking about here is this premise: the world of Pride and Prejudice, but if you die, it’s highly likely, almost certain that your corpse will get up and try to eat people.
But no one dies in Pride and Prejudice, you might say. In fact, few or no people die in any Jane Austen novel.
This is true. But people do get sick with some regularity. Imagine the tension added to Jane getting sick after going to visit Bingley if there was the chance that she would become a zombie after she died. Becoming a zombie in an eligible bachelor’s house probably would have seriously wrecked any chances of any of the living sisters ending up with him.
Imagine Mr. Collins, as a minister, having the duty upon someone’s death of severing their head with a ceremonial plate or something that would prevent the corpse from rising. Obviously important, but this only makes him more self-important and obnoxious.
And dangerous.
For you see, in this version, Mr. Bennett, who stays in his office all the time, whose life is the only thing allowing Mrs. Bennett and her daughters to stay in the house–Mr. Bennett is definitely a zombie. He died at home, and Mrs. Bennett decided that, no way were they dealing with this, and so…just started faking it. Jane and Elizabeth know. The younger sisters don’t.
In this universe, I think we have to go with zombies that are not any faster or stronger than the humans they were, and in fact tend to get weaker as time passes because their flesh is rotting. And…hmm, okay, how about they are pretty violent upon rising, and for about a week afterward, trying to bite people and spread the infection (even though most people are carriers anyway, but getting a nasty bite from a corpse will give you other stuff that will have you die while carrying the virus). But then they calm down and basically just start sort of attempting to act like they did in life, that is, taking habitual actions with no consciousness, in a depressing and desiccated way.
So Mr. Bennett is a zombie, and Mrs. Bennett’s number one goal is to get her daughters married before anyone finds that out. And this, actually, makes Elizabeth’s refusal of Mr. Collins more frustrating for Mrs. Bennett–obviously Mr. Bennett didn’t tell Elizabeth that she could refuse Mr. Collins, because Mr. Bennett is dead, but Mrs. Bennett can’t say anything or the game would be up.
Another question in this version–does Mr. Darcy find out about Mr. Bennett being a zombie somehow? Does Elizabeth find out that he knows and didn’t say anything and this is something that helps repair his earlier actions?
Anyway, this is the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies that I was looking for.
Okay also: in the original, when Elizabeth walks through the rain all the way to bingley’s to care for Jane while she’s sick, it’s a very dramatic expression of both Elizabeth’s love for her sister and her penchant for flamboyant rebellion, but consider, if there is a chance Jane will wake up a zombie and Elizabeth knows it, how does that change the dynamic? Elizabeth might be going to help take care of Jane, or to *take care* of Jane should things take a more morbid turn…by killing her zombie sister.
This works especially well if zombieism is communicable prior to death; if mr. Bennett is a zombie and only the elder Bennetts know, that means Jane has been pre-exposed and is almost certain to wake up as a zombie should she die in the Bingleys’ care— which the Bingleys do not know. Elizabeth has to forge through the rain to be there in case things get ugly, because she knows that the Bingleys aren’t prepared.
Yeah you know what? I am 100% for this. A few additions:
*Mr. Collins self-importantly bragging to everyone that he is the one personally responsible for decapitating LadyCatherinede Bourgh should she fall victim to the devil’s touch and become a zombie, and that she specifically ordered her head to be burned in the grand fireplace at Rosings.
*The ambiguity as to whether or not Catherine’s pale, sickly daughter is in fact a zombie herself, but Mr. Darcy is expected to marry her anyway for the sake of family and keeping up appearances.
I took my meds too close to bedtime again and I need you all to know the dream I had last night involved Robin Williams becoming the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. Not, a character portrayed by Robin Williams, just Robin Williams as himself running around Hogwarts doing wandless magic and being as loud and big as possible because and I quote before I forget:
“Listen, children, I’m not saying all this bad shit that is happening isn’t scary and you shouldn’t be concerned–because you should!–but I’m telling you this now for free. Life is a boggart, it’s the biggest boggart of them all. You never know what it’s going to look like one moment to the next. And sometimes you just gotta laugh. It’s okay to laugh. It’s part of the grieving process. You need to grieve before you can heal. But it’s okay to laugh while you’re doing it.”
I didn’t wake up right after that, some more stuff happened in a hazy sort of way as the dream began to dissolve into conciousness, but I remember him yelling Expecto Patronum as he punched a Death Eater in the face. Because sometimes, evidently, you have to make your own happy memories.
Robin Williams’s entire comedy career was one big RIDDIKULUS at the boggart that was life in general and his own life in particular, so that … that feels pretty appropriate.
“but how could thor and the other asgardians have been completely unaware of their people’s violent history as a conquering and enslaving empire?!?” have you ever met an english person
Several different types of sea turtles can be found in your National Marine Sanctuary System:
Green sea turtle, Hawaiian Islands Humpback Whale National Marine Sanctuary, Hawai‘i (Photo: Ed Lyman/NOAA)
Hawksbill, Flower Garden Banks National Marine Sanctuary, Gulf of Mexico (Photo: G.P. Schmahl)
Loggerhead, Gray’s Reef National Marine Sanctuary, Georgia (Photo: NOAA)
Volunteer, Gray’s Reef National Marine Sanctuary, Georgia (Photo: Judi Duffy)
One of the best things you can do to help sea turtles around the world is to reduce marine debris. Some species of sea turtle eat jellyfish, and a floating plastic bag can look an awful lot like a snack. Other marine debris, like cables, string, and fishing gear, can entangle a sea turtle and drown it.
Even if you don’t live near the ocean, our waterways can carry trash to the coasts – so every cleanup effort helps!
GIFs: A NOAA staff member helps disentangle a green sea turtle in Papahānaumokuākea Marine National Monument. (Image: NOAA)
“…we need to ask: how has it become acceptable that so many people, and especially so many young people, are ill? The ‘mental health plague’ in capitalist societies would suggest that, instead of being the only social system that works, capitalism is inherently dysfunctional, and that the cost of it appearing to work is very high.”
I’ve been seeing Idris Elba fancasted as Sam Vimes gaining some traction but it wasn’t until a photoset of him smoking showed up on my that I was like yesssss.
I had to scan it in two parts and hastily tried to stitch it together. Painfully obvious where. Ugh. Casually throws this in the WIP pile.
tora42's nonsensne 